


What We Live For

by TheSeasonOfWinter



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Study, Child Abuse, Gangs, Manga Spoilers, Past Prostitution, Spoilers, honestly think banana fish, sad I know, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSeasonOfWinter/pseuds/TheSeasonOfWinter
Summary: Eren has a specific way of looking at the world. Having a small gang before he became a cadet helped shape that.But so do so many other things.......Levi, Jean, and Historia realizing things about Eren over the time they've known him.It's hard to watch a friend die. Especially when they're still breathing.
Relationships: Eren Yeager & Everyone, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss & Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman & Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 77





	What We Live For

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS!  
> YOU SEE ME? I'M IN ALL CAPS! MAJOR SPOILERS UP UNTIL CHAPTER 138. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK PEOPLE. DO NOT SASS ME IN THE COMMENTS IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE MANGA.  
> And if you haven't but are going to read anyway, nice. I see you. I am you.
> 
> I do wanna say tho that I have not proof read this *sweat drop* so sorry for any grammatical mistakes  
> Please enjoy.

“I hate Eren Jaeger more than I have ever hated anyone in my entire life,” Jean said, staring blankly into his dinner plate. “More than I hate Shadis’ voice. More than I hate Connie’s snoring. More than I hate the concept of dysentery.”

Sasha shot him a look. “The concept?” she asked, mouth full of bread.

“That sheer fact that it exists is unholy.” 

Reiner nodded. “That’s fair.”

“Anyway,” Jean continued, “where does he get off acting like that? Strutting around like he owns this place, like he’s some big shot -”

“He’s one of the best cadets here,” Krista defends softly. 

“He’s not that good!” Jean snapped, chomping into a steamed potato. 

Ymir smiled and threw a napkin at his face. “Either fuck him or get better, Jean. I’m tired of hearing Eren’s name.”

Jean sputtered, and Armin walked over, setting down with his own dinner. “Hey, guys, what’s up?”

“Jean’s simping,” Connie said.

“And whining,” Sasha added.

“I don’t simp for Eren!” Jean snapped, vein popping out of her forehead.

“Oh,” Armin blushed. “I thought they meant Mikasa.”

Jean slammed his head on the table. “ _Hate_ him. He’s not even here, and he’s ruining my life.”

Armin laughed gently and patted him on the back. “Eren’s not that bad.”

Jean slowly turned his head to face Armin, the right side of his face pulled where it’s pressed to the table causing the red of his beady eyes to be visible. 

Armin raised his hand in surrender. “He’s not!”

“Okay, I’m not as compromised as Jean is, but even I know that Eren’s a dick,” Connie said, Sasha nodding sagely.

“Big talk, you two. Oh, hi, Mikasa!” Ymir waved.

Both Connie and Sasha choked on their food and frantically turned to see absolutely no one while Ymir laughed. 

“You’re a dick, too.” Connie pointed at her. 

Armin raised an eyebrow, his easy smile starting to wilt slightly. “Wait, this isn’t a joke? You’re actually serious?”

“Just because you’re his oldest friend doesn’t mean Eren isn’t the shittiest person in the cadet corps.” Jean commented.

Reiner glanced at Bertholdt who wouldn’t meet his eyes. He scowled and turned to Jean. “Okay, maybe you are getting a bit to critical now -”

“I am not!” Jean started counting on his fingers. “He pushes his ideals onto everyone else even if they don’t want to hear it, he starts fights with anyone he decides he has a problem with, he’s a possessive bastard who doesn’t know how to share information, tools, or friends, and he’s so obsessed with himself he wouldn’t know true talent if she punched him in the face - _which she won’t do unfortunately -_ so correct me if I’m wrong!”

“Oh no,” Krista fretted, glancing at the door to the mess hall and just praying Eren or Mikasa wouldn’t walk in. She didn’t account for Armin who was already here, though. The soft spoken blonde boy laughed, an alarmingly bitter sound which halted all conversation at the table. 

“I forgot,” he murmured, looking between all of them. “I can’t believe I just forgot you all weren’t there. How stupid of me . . .”

“Armin?” Krista asked, reaching out.

“I am well aware of who Eren is - I’ve known him since we were six. But my question now is, what was your point? What, you think all those qualities you listed are bad? Can’t believe it.” 

Armin shook his head. He lets go of his fork and leans forward, resting his head on his hand. His smile was tense, blue eyes a little brighter than expected.

Krista knew that seriously slandering Eren was rewarded by death by Mikasa, but she’s starting to realize that was a careless mistake. She cursed herself - you think she would have known better by now to not to write of the quiet one. 

“Answer this for me, guys. Have you heard of Rose Camp?” 

The atmosphere somehow got heavier.

Armin tilted his head farther, smiling wider, blonde hair falling over his eyes. He looked vindictive and miserable.

Connie gulped. “The place set up for refugees from Wall Maria?”

“That’s the one. Did you guys hear about the drama that happened there?”

Drama. Interesting choice of words.

“It’s basically a shit hole. Eaten up with military corruption and gang violence.” Bertholdt murmured. 

“That’s the place. Now tell me, in a place where people disappear because they’ve been killed, kidnapped and raped, or because they starved, tell me the downside to being a trigger happy fighter? One of those crazy people who refuses to roll over even when it’s a good idea?” Armin looked down to where his finger was tracing the grooves in the table. “I get that on the outside, he must look like the worst person to ever work with or even be friends with, but look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t kill to have Eren on your side.”

No one responded. Sasha and Connie looked chagrined, while everyone else just looked a tad pensive. No one ate for a second.

Then Eren and Mikasa walked into the mess hall and immediately went to their table.

“Hey, guys, horse-face,” Eren waved with a smile. He plopped down right next to Armin and leaned in his space to look at his food. He made a face. “Potatoes and bread again, huh. I see we’re getting the fancy treatment. Wonder what the special occasion is.”

“You should go get some before they run out,” Armin told him. 

There must have been something in his tone, some hidden distress that no one else but his family could pick up on because Eren and Mikasa’s gaze snapped to him, alert. Eren slowly backed up and crossed his arms glancing at the rest of them awkwardly avoiding his gaze. His shoulders tensed. 

“Nah, I’m not all that hungry right now. The sky is really clear tonight, so I think I’ll go take a walk.” Eren got up and didn’t even turn to see if Armin and Mikasa followed him. Not that he’d need to, sense they were right on his heels.

Armin slid his plate over to Sasha and left without looking at them.

Once they were all gone, Ymir couldn’t hold in her giggles. She halfheartedly put a hand over her mouth but didn’t try to make herself quieter.

“Shut up,” Jean bit out.

Ymir just shook her head, hand traveling up to cover her eyes as she tilted her head back. Krista was only able to hear her next words because she was sitting so close.

_“Wow, have I gotten soft or what.”_

. . . . 

Jean could not believe he was actually going with Eren to go fight people - _unarmed_ \- while playing white knight for Krista. How the hell did it come to this? Why is Eren determined to get them killed in every way possible.

“It’s comforting,” Jean whispered as they crawled through the forest.

“Shut up,” Eren hissed back from a little farther ahead.

“No, like, I thought you were just horny for titans, ya know? But that’s not the case, you just want to die in general -”

“Jean, you dumbass, _shut up!”_

He actually obeyed this time because something was off. Not in the obvious way of being assaulted, robbed, and having a cadet kidnapped during a training exercise, but something was off with Eren specifically. Jean lived with a few constants in his life: the sun came up in the morning, Sasha would eat off the floor, and Eren had suicidal tendencies. Right now, the bastard was seething - literally vibrating with rage - but he was focused. Weirdly intent, like with 3DMG training. Jean really hoped it wouldn’t get him killed to listen to this guy. 

When the bandits found their camp, one of them kept shooting Eren weird looks. Eren, too, glared at that man specifically and even tried to attack him with all the guns still trained on everyone. Real nice, Jaeger. Thank you. Jean couldn’t get his face out of his head though. Eren turned pale but then burned himself into a fury just as fast. Again, only titans got that reaction from him. Eh, it’s probably nothing.

But whenever they both ended up cornering one of the bandits, and Eren sucked in air through his teeth, Jean was positive he should have given the idea more thought. Now he was probably going to get a bullet through his skull. He’d probably welcome it at this point.

The bandit trained the guy on Eren’s face, but stopped short for a second, taking him in. Then he had the gall to laugh. “No way, I can’t believe this -”

“Shut up,” Eren snarled, taking a step forward regardless of deadly firearm. Holy shit, Jean really was going to die here. The bandit didn’t fire for some reason, though. 

“Never thought I’d see you again after all these years. You’ve gotten big. A cadet, huh? Makes sense.” The bandit laughed again. “Gotta say, we missed you when you left.”

The dumbass then proceeded to growl and try to charge forward, but Jean caught his arm, hissing “Eren, stop!”

“Your name’s Eren? That’s cute” the bandit smiled, turning to Jean. “We all called him Jewel back in the day. He let you fuck ‘im, too?”

“I’m done listening to you!” Eren snapped forward, and Jean’s suddenly limp fingers couldn’t do anything to hold him back. The gun was fired, but Jean still couldn’t move. His brain had grinded to halt, and he stood frozen in the middle of a firefight. Luckily, Eren had backup. They were able to recover Krista and hold the bandits until the MPs showed up. They didn’t have any spare cloth to use as gags though.

“Someone’s all high and mighty now that their fodder,” one ma scowled at Eren.

Eren glared right back. “You certainly sound all upset now that I’m not eleven.”

_Eleven._ Jean blinked.

“Hico, shut the fuck up.” the second man whispered in a panic, head down.

“What is wrong with you two? You know this kid?” The last one asked.

“We told you about Jewel, right? From Rose Camp?” the first man jerked his head at Eren who was raising his fist for a punch.

“Jewel?” Armin repeated.

The third bandit suddenly went pale, glancing from face to face. “Wait -hold on a fucking second. You never said anything -” His eyes were bulging out of his face. “ _Eleven?_ ”

“Why the hell do you look surprised? Only kids were able to avoid being sent out on the suicide martch.”

“Eren.” Armin’s voice cut through all the talk. He was pale, sickly, and on the verge of tears. “That time -?”

Eren sighed, looking somehow put upon and awkward at the same time. “Yeah. We didn’t have any rations so -”

“No,” Armin’s forced smile quivered. He shook his head. “No way, you didn’t -”

“We were gonna starve!” Eren threw his hands out. “What were we supposed to do? We ended up in charge of ten kids!”

“No, no, no!” Armin shakily held up his hands but they just hung in the air helplessly. “Mikasa would _never -”_

“She doesn’t know, and it’s staying that way, do you understand me?” Eren screamed. 

Jean took this moment to look at the others. Sasha and Marco were openly crying. Krista was surprisingly the most composed although she did look like her entire world view just shifted. She was staring at Eren as if she’d never seen him before. 

What the fuck. What the actual fuck.

“- we got to eat that night, didn’t we?! Why are you so pissed off?”

“I-I-I shouldn’t have to explain it to you! Eren, you didn’t have to -”

“We,” Eren clapped his hands, “were going to _starve!”_

_“So naturally we choose prostiution?!”_

“I’d do it again!” Eren screamed back, shutting Armin down. “The goal is to survive! You and Mikasa drilled that into my fucking head after the wall fell and now you’re mad that I did everything I could to stay alive? What the hell, Armin.” Eren started stomping towards him. “I’m not dying, not anytime soon. I’m going to join the Survey Corps, I’m going to reclaim our home, I’m going to leave these walls and see the ocean. Then - and only then - will I even _think_ about the possibility.”

The fight bled out of Armin, and the Military Police arrived. 

. . .

“Hey, Eren?” 

Eren didn’t talk to Krista - she wasn’t sure why exactly, but he always seemed to go out of his way to avoid her. Everyone joked about Eren being stupid, but honestly, he might be on to something if he didn’t want anything to do with Krista Lenz. Even she could get behind that. 

It was the end of hand to hand combat training, and Krista had finally worked up the nerve to ask to talk to Eren alone later. Jean rolled his eyes, Mikasa and Ymir looked like they were about to snap, and Reiner looked heartbroken for some reason. But Eren shrugged and agreed anyway. She led him around the back of the girls’ barracks and realized how hard it was to choke out her question.

“Krista?” Eren asked, crossing his arms. She really wished she wasn’t so short that he could still look down on her.

“That day, uh - you - you mentioned . . .” She bit her lip. “When we caught those bandits -”

“Right, I’m gonna stop you right there. If you’re going to ask me if I’m okay or if I need to talk to someone, I’m leaving right now and you’re never going to mention it to anyone.” He was scowling at her, eyes flashing. “I don’t need your good girl routine, got that? I honestly don’t think anyone does.”

Yeah. Eren definitely isn’t as stupid as people make him out to be. Krista’s hands balled into fists. “I was going to ask about the other kids you mentioned.”

That threw him. “What?”

“You said you three ended up being in charge of other kids. What was that about? What happened to them?”

“Oh, dang.” Eren actually looked a tad sheepish, his hand reaching up to ruffle the back of his head. He looked to the side and giggled nervously. “Well, you know about Rose Camp?”

She was becoming awfully aware of the term.

“When the food ran out, things went bad. Lots of murder and stealing. People started to rally together to protect themselves. Sense most people were only able to get their children on the boats out of Wall Maria, more than half the people getting slaughtered were less than ten.” Eren shrugged. “Mikasa, Armin, and I were already a group on our own and you’ve met Mikasa. Hardly anyone can beat her in a fight. Not to mention Armin is a genius, so some groups started to leave us alone. That attracted good and bad attention. Other kids came to us for protection and we gained rivals.” He looked to the side. “When we got old enough, we joined the cadets.”

Krista stood there. “What about your- your gang?”

“What about it?”

“Did they join the military, too?”

Eren’s eyebrows lowered. “No. Only the three of us did. We were able to establish something reliable, and people were tired of change. I assume one of the older kids took over after we left.”

“Why?”

“Because we left -”

“No,” she snapped, startling herself. Taking a deep breath, she tried again. “Why did you take responsibility for others when your situation was already so horrible? What did you gain from that?”

“Gain?” Eren cupped his chin. “I guess gain in a literal sense was in numbers. More people, less trouble usually. But I helped them because they were human.”

She gasped, something in her chest giving way. “What?”

“I helped them because they were human.”

That could mean anything. Because they weren’t titans? Because they were like him? Because they were alive? It could mean anything, and yet none of those reasons were good enough for her. She stared at the man in front of her. Eren looked exactly the same as he did this morning, same height, same hair, same eyes, but it was almost like she finally got a good look at him and realized what exactly he was. 

She giggled, quietly, a little manic. She was tearing up and did nothing to stop them from rolling down her face. If it had been anyone else but Eren, they would have comforted her. Well, Eren and Ymir. She was grateful.

“Wow,” she said, voice thick. She laughed again. “I don’t think I would do anything like that.”

Again, anyone else would encourage her. Say that given the opportunity she would always help people, always be the good person. Yeah. Krista Lenz would probably be able to do it.

“This is refreshing.”

_What?_ She met Eren’s eyes. He looked pleasantly surprised by her reaction. “What?”

“There’s a real person under there after all.” He actually smiled. He formed a fist and gently bonked her on the head as he passed. She watched him go and wondered. Declaring Eren as a ‘good person’ was just as stupid as Krista is, wasn’t it? Selfish suited them all much better. 

Historia smiled. 

. . . 

Levi had known Jaeger for three days, and the kid’s existence was the single most disrespectful thing Levi has had to put up with since leaving the Underground. His squad liked Jaeger but didn’t trust him which was exactly how they were supposed to react. Levi didn’t trust Jaeger because he was a little too much like Levi, himself. 

Jaeger reacted to things in a way that anyone with any street experience would notice. He was a defensive eater, hiding food down his shirt or up his sleeve to carry down to the dungeon later. Levi found his stash wrapped up in scrap cloth in a small incision in the mattress. Exactly where Levi used to hide his back when he wasn’t used to Survey Corps life. He would have thought the kid would have shaken the habit being in the academy - oh, right. Jaeger was one of those kids who once had access to three square meals a day and suddenly found themselves starving on the street. Those types never really stop this little habit. 

And the fights. It was interesting to see the kid literally choke down the need to use combat to establish relationships, and Levi was pretty sure the only reason he was able to keep such a tight lid on it was because they had already won his respect by being in the Survey Corps. Respect winning, this reaction.

Jaeger had a gang. 

Probably one with an established hierarchy if his military fetish was anything to go by. Probably with the two brats that testified at his trial if that show of loyalty said anything. But reading Jaeger was like flipping through an old book you had forgotten you read. Certain unspoken actions - Jaeger only ate after Levi had taken a bite, he does what he’s told, but still prefers Levi’s direct command - some little ticks give him away.

Eren Jaeger had fully submitted to a rival gang in his mind - Levi’s, and some old habits of his own were surfacing, much to his annoyance. 

Fine then. If Jaeger is truly throwing his cards in with humanity, Levi will take responsibility for him. Add another one to the list. 

. . .

His list had gotten shorter. Almost completely empty in all honestly. 

Levi swung through the trees with Eren’s spit-soaked ass hanging on his hip. Thinking on the trail of corpses that littered this forest wouldn’t bring anybody back and it would erase what happened. Weirdly enough, this proved to be less of a failure simply because he got Eren back. Not that anyone but a select few would see it that way. 

Not that it mattered in the long run. This trip just lost them Eren Jaeger privileges. They’d have to hand him over to the Military Police as soon as they’re back inside like the brat was some kind of contraband toy. Levi ground his teeth.

Yeah. That list was just getting shorter, wasn’t it. 

. . .

Ymir was used to watching Eren struggle, but seeing him as a backpack had the most twisted sense of charm. She quickly shut down that train of thought. She had underestimated Eren too many times to make another stupid mistake like that. 

Armin telling them about Rose Camp was enough to snap her out of any false security the illusion of being a cadet gave her. It was easy to see the world as two-dimensional in the walls. It was easy to write off angry boys having mommy issues without knowing the levels he would go to to stay alive. 

Eren lived like an Eldian in the walls. How could Ymir have forgotten how to fight like that.

Who knows. Maybe she didn’t want to. Maybe she never did.

. . .

Historia chose to save Eren because of course she did. She’s a selfish girl, and humanity could go to hell for all she cared. She’s out for what she wants only now. 

She lost the only person in the world she ever truly wanted - the only person who had ever really wanted _her_ too. 

And here’s Eren, crying his eyes out and begging for death as if he isn’t some suicidal bastard who’s supposed to save the world, kill all the titans, and used to sell his body so the children he took care of could eat. What a fucking joke. Historia’s not laughing. 

She did the same thing he did that day though she wasn’t nearly as gentle when she hit him on the head. 

Who cares if she’s not a good person. Historia is going to build her world she wants, and Eren is just the type of dumbass she plans on keeping around.

. . .

_Maybe it’s not killing titans,_ Jean thought as they all cowered under Eren’s crystalizing titan as the crave rained down on them. He had his arm wrapped around Sasha as they both huddled against Connie and the captain. Eren was never cold in his titan form, but the crystal was sucking the heat away. _Maybe it's saving people that gets him off._

. . .

Levi figured something out as he handed Eren something to wipe away his bloody nose. He had been under the impression that Eren was the ringleader of their little cadet troupe, but that was Arlet. Arlet made the plan, and he had two favorite pawns that enacted it. 

He scoffed. Pawns were more an Erwin word. Arlet didn’t see his friends like that yet. 

No, Eren and Ackermen were both weapons, highly reliable ones too. Ackerman was their biggest threat, deadly and accurate everytime. She was used for the ground work because she was reliable. A lot like Levi himself. Eren, on the other hand, functioned more as a joker card. The ace up the sleeve. Whenever the going got rough, both Arlet and Erwin pulled him up and waved him around for the world to see. 

_“Look what we have!”_

_“Do you see this?!”_

He was the opposite of a white flag, but Eren had a weird sort of magnetism to him that gave him a little more leeway as a figurehead. His ideology and charisma could probably place him in rivalry with Erwin if the brat wasn’t fucking stupid. 

Looking at Hange’s executioner as it slammed into another titan’s nape, Levi could understand how Eren got his following.

And, well, fuck, he was standing next to the idiot, too, wasn’t he?

. . .

Medals. 

Medals presented by the queen herself. Talk about the royal treatment considering there were less than twenty people left of the Survey Corps. Historia tried not to laugh hysterically. 

It was weird enough having her ex-superiors kissing her hand, but pretending like this was anything but the most bittersweet win they had ever achieved was a little much. She walked to Eren next, bestowing his medal and holding out her hand. She felt what she thought was a static shock upon taking it but thought nothing of it.

Eren’s hand suddenly snapped like a vice around her own, startling Historia enough to snap her out of her thoughts. He wasn’t looking at her, green eyes a little too empty, a little too shaken.

She wished she had anything else to offer than just bonking him on the head again. Instead, she leaned down and whispered, “Eren?”

He didn’t move, his whole body shuddering. His breath was coming in and out through his teeth, and when he looked up at her, Historia hardly recognized him. 

She wouldn’t realize until later that Eren died right then.

. . . 

_“I’m sorry,”_ the man whispered, his eyes not looking full at him and tears falling too fast down his face. His green eyes seemed to be searching for something, anything. Maybe he wanted someone to save him next. _“I’m so sorry.”_

. . .

Falco though Mr. Kruger was strange, but if he had to describe him he would use the word sad instead. He was always alone and seemed to think that was better than being with family or friends. Falco didn’t really understand how someone could get that confused, but the war was hard for everyone. 

He was glad Mr. Kruger talked to him though. Maybe Falco was less intimidating than the other people at the hospital. One thing that bothered him about Mr. Kruger was how the man would gravitate to certain things. Playing with an old baseball, using the coloring books the doctors gave the kids, or preferring to eat sweets when given the chance.

Did he never do that already as a kid? 

No, he realized later, watching his home being destroyed. No, Eren Jaeger never did any of those things. 

. . .

Jean sat on the floor next to Sasha’s cooling body. 

He could see Eren tied up next two those two Marley kids and Zeke Jaeger. As if he was just another Marlyan they snatched up from this attack. He thought back to an old training exercise that went wrong. Thought back to a kid who never took death lying down and didn’t stand for anyone pushing it on him or those he cared about.

That was proof, wasn’t it? That was proof of what kind of person Eren was? 

Jean reached out and combed through Sasha’s hair. It was just about the only part of her that felt the same.

Eren was the one who cared more than any of them, wasn’t he?

. . .

Levi didn’t know why he was still surprised by some things. He knew that most gangs are made up of family members, and those usually worked the best.

Standing in a busted cell, titan crystal closing over a giant hole - _hey, didn’t we teach him how to do that? -_ Levi snorted. Family members make good gang members. He had made an assumption of who Eren’s family was.

. . .

Eren had always lived his life a certain way. 

He always planned on taking care of those he was responsible for. That started off with Armin, but then he got Mikasa, and then the Rose Camp kids, and then the cadets, and then the Corps, and then all of Paradis. He loved it honestly. Was more than willing to accept them all.

He was always more than willing to sacrifice himself and others for them too. That didn’t mean he was careless, though.

Eren was used to fighting the fights no one wants to. The ones that were almost a guaranteed loss.   
  


Gang war, he’s on it. 

Turn into a titan, can do. 

Close a hole in Trost, ok. 

Reclaim Wall Maria, yes, sir. 

But now what? Marley? Now we were going to roll over and submit. The best thing we can do is die. It’s always there’s not enough people

Not enough space

Not enough hope

Not enough food.

**As if that’s ever stopped him before.**

The Attack Titan twisted in his soul.

It’s once again his fight. His one job.

Take on the entire world.

Of course he would.

**Author's Note:**

> "I have been  
> hanging here  
> headless  
> for so long  
> that the body has forgotten  
> why  
> or where or when it  
> happened  
> and the toes  
> walk along in shoes  
> that do not  
> care
> 
> and although  
> the fingers  
> slice things and  
> hold things and  
> move things and  
> touch  
> things  
> such as  
> oranges  
> apples  
> onions  
> books  
> bodies  
> I am no longer  
> reasonably sure  
> what these things  
> are
> 
> they are mostly  
> like  
> lamplight and  
> fog
> 
> then often the hands will  
> go to the  
> lost head  
> and hold the head  
> like the hands of a  
> child  
> around a ball  
> a block  
> air and wood -  
> no teeth  
> no thinking part
> 
> and when a window  
> blows open  
> to a  
> church  
> hill  
> woman  
> dog  
> or something singing
> 
> the fingers of the hand  
> are senseless to vibration  
> because they have no  
> ears  
> senseless to color because  
> they have no  
> eyes  
> senseless to smell  
> without a nose
> 
> they country goes by as  
> nonsense  
> the continents
> 
> the daylights and evenings  
> shine  
> on my dirty  
> fingernails
> 
> and in some mirror  
> my face  
> a block to vanish  
> scuffed part of a child’s  
> ball
> 
> while everywhere  
> moves  
> worms and aircraft  
> fires on the land  
> tall violets in sanctity  
> my hands let go let go  
> let go”  
> \- Charles Bukowski


End file.
